TV host Drew Carey gets slim

Commedian Drew Carey is about 70 pounds slimmer. At least one source says Carey received a series of injections aimed at suppressing his appetite. The source quotes the commedian as sayng the injections were pricey…but worth the money. Carey is said to have gone from 260 pounds to 185.



Taking The Plunge

Drew Carey decided enough was enough;
Being so heavy was getting quite tough.
So he took some shots to kill his craving for food
And turn himself into a skinnier dude.
It took him some time and cost lots of money;
Now the question remains – will he still be as funny.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Drew Carey Gets Skinny

Comedian and TV host Drew Carey has come down from 260 pounds to a slim 185. Carey, who is said to have undergone a series of injections to suppress his appetite, says he just got sick of being fat.



Seeing The Lite

Drew Carey grew tired of the fat
And yearned for a tummy that’s flat;
So he spent lots of money
(But will he still be as funny?)
And lost seventy pounds just like that.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

New York town expected to host Clinton wedding

Rhinebeck, N.Y. - Although the time and place remains officially classified, residents of Rhinebeck are bracing for the wedding of Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky. One business owner believes the ceremony will "put us on the map."



Classified Coupling

Crowds of folks will be on deck
To see Chelsea wed in old Rhinebeck.
Though all is cloaked in mystery,
The town may well make history
As where the couple made big news
When she and Marc said their "I do's."


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Pigeon Feces Foil Band

Rock bands have entertained music lovers in good weather and bad. Never deterred by downpours or scorching temperatures. But the Kings of Leon had to call it quits when pigeon droppings began to pelt them in an outdoor arena.



Music For The Birds

St. Louis music fans
Have seen their bands perform
On sunny days and starlit nights
And even in a storm.

The bands have worked quite hard
To entertain their fans.
Mother Nature never once
Interfered or changed their plans.

But the Kings of Leon stopped
Before their songs were sung,
Because it started raining
Tons of pigeon dung.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Oprah Offers Talk Show To Duchess

Oprah Winfrey is reported to have offered Sarah Ferguson a talk show. According to reports, the Duchess of York would have her own program on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Ms. Ferguson is said to be about 2 million pounds in debt.



Heeeeere's Sarah

The duchess of York's
A bit down on her luck;
But an offer from Oprah
May get her unstuck.

Ms. Winfrey, a friend,
And, of course, a big star,
Has made Fergie an offer
That's far from bizarre.

Sarah has shown folks
She can well walk the walk;
Now here comes the chance
To come talk the talk.

A show of her own
To star and to rock;
With a well-deserved chance
To get out of hock.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Star Wars Villain Robs NY Bank

Using a handgun instead of a laser, a thief disguised as Darth Vader held up a New York City bank. Police say some people though it was a joke as the man made off with an undetermined amount of money.



Beamed Out

The man in the mask was after the money
As witnesses saw the whole thing as funny.
He was a different and unique invader.
The teller looked up and there was Darth Vader.

He made off with the loot with no apparent remorse
After robbing the bank with help of some force;
He surprised everyone with his scary attire,
As he made his escape to his evil empire.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Internet porn sites now accessible in China

Chinese censors are said to be no longer blocking pornography sites in cyber space. The crowded internet is said to be taxing censors, who need to free up capacity to keep an eye on other things. Among priorities, some say, are negative reports about leaders and activity that might trigger protest.



Change Of (ob)Scene

The internet in China
Is crowded and complex;
So censorship is shifting
Away from demon sex.

To keep closer tabs on critics
And protect Beijing from scorn,
They’re bearing down on dissidence
And easing up on porn.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

White House Embarrassed

White Housed officials have apologized for firing a black employee for remarks about race. Shirley Sherrod had said her remarks, made 24 years ago, were taken out of context. She was dismissed from the Agriculture Department after conservative bloggers posted a partial video of her talking about racial interaction. Ms. Sherrod accepts the administration’s apology but is not sure she’ll return to work for the administration.


Not All Black And White

The White House is embarrassed
For canning Ms. Sherrod
For comments out of context
That gave the wrong façade.

The White House says it’s sorry;
It didn’t have the facts
Before it took the action
Of giving her the axe.

Says the White House, it misjudged
Because its facts weren’t straight
When, giving into pressure,
It gave Ms. Sherrod the gate.

All Obama’s people
Appear to be contrite,
And may think twice the next time
They’re ragged on by “The Right.”

The apology, says Shirley,
Came long after the attack.
So now she’s not so certain
She wants the damn job back.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Palin Compares Herself To Shakespeare

Sarah Palin has attracted some criticism over her choice of words. Or, in this case, one particular word. The former Alaska governor called on Muslims to “refudiate” plans for a mosque near ground zero in New York City. Palin justified her use of the heretofore non-existent word with a reference to Shakespeare’s reputation for making up words.



Word For Word

Will Shakespeare be the only one
Allowed to make up words?
Sarah feels that such a thought
Is strictly for the birds.

So she suggests “refudiate”
When there’s something to refute;
And you can now salutiate
When there’s someone you’d salute.

If Sarah’d like to coin a phrase,
No need to repudiate;
It doesn’t leave me in a daze,
‘Cause I don’t give a hoot-iate.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Obama appeals to Republicans to restore benefits

President Obama accuses GOP lawmakers of holding unemployed Americans hostage. He says unemployment benefits must be restored immediately.



Get Off The Dime

Obama to congress:
Let the out-of-work go.
For the unemployed hostage,
Let the benefits flow.

For more than two million,
It’s all unexpected.
He says “think of the people,
‘Stead of getting elected”.

The folks have expenses
That they gotta meet;
They and their children
Find they all gotta eat.

They all need resumption
Of government bucks;
For folks who’ve been furloughed,
Being out of work sucks.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

First Family Has Fun In Maine

The Obamas are back in Washington after wrapping up a weekend of hiking and biking in Maine. The spent their time at Acadia National Park and the resort town of Bar Harbor.



The Maine Thing

There was a bit of upheaval
Up by the forest primeval,
As the President and the First Mother
Flew to Main with the kids and each other.

The weekend included some hiking;
The also had time for some biking,
As they did what we often do
With vacation days we accrue.

The only real difference there was
‘Tween what they and each of us does
Is that we have to drive to our fun,
They got to fly Air Force One.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

New Jersey Officials Spot Sharks

Officials temporarily closed several New Jersey beaches after spotting sharks near shore. Midway Beach lifeguard Jamie Nelson says he got everyone out of the water when he spotted what he described as two dorsal fins.



Jaws In Jersey

They spotted some sharks off New Jersey Beaches
And took matters in hand with no long-winded speeches.
The warnings went out from the powers that be:
No more swimming 'round there till they've gone out to sea.

Stay out of the water while the sharks are near land!
Can't have our folks losing a foot or a hand.
Stay on dry land, stay away from those fins;
When shark and man tussle, the fish always wins.

Officials are watching to spot any dorsals,
So New Jersey bathers don't turn into morsels.
So far as is known, there have been no attacks.
It may be the sharks are just trolling for snacks.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Tiger Woods Meets The Press

ST. ANDREWS, Scotland - Tiger Woods is hoping to regain some control as he prepares for the upcoming British Open at the home of golf. But reporters seemed more interested in talking about his personal life.



Rattling His Cage

Tiger Woods, across the pond,
Hoping for a magic wand;
To get back to the good old days
And resume upon his winning ways.
What seems to bother many Brits
Is how the Tiger swears and spits.
But they may take another spin
When, again, they see the Tiger win.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Texas Lady Wins Lottery - 4 Times

Joan Ginther beat the odds to hit the jackpot in four Texas Lotteries. Her winnings total close to $21 million. The odds against her were so high as to be considered next to impossible.



Thanks A Lottery

Some call it unbelievable;
And even inconceivable.

One ticket made Joan's winnings soar
So she went out and bought some more.

Now friends call up to share her luck
And get some tips to win a buck.

Her voice mail says "Not in now, honey."
She's out there scratching for more money.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Face Veils Under Attack

The French government is seeking to ban the burga-like face veils worn by Muslims. The lower house of parliament is to vote on the measure, which will go to the Senate in September. Muslim and human rights groups have voiced concern.


About Face

Officials in France
Are taking a stance
On the burga-like Islamic veil.

The government's plan
To issue a ban
Is causing a bit of a wail.

Despite opposition
To end the tradition
Officials cut right to the chase.

The political bomb,
Isn't anti-Islam;
They just want to see everyone's face.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Polanski Free To Go Home

The Swiss Justice Ministry has refused to extradite Roman Polanski to the United States. U. S. officials want Polanski back on a charge of having sex with a teenager in 1977. Swiss officials say U. S. authorities failed to provide testimony relating to Polanski's sentencing procedure.



Case Closed

Because Uncle Sam withheld certain facts,
Roman Polanski can finally relax.
What the Swiss saw as essential,
U.S. courts called confidential
Thus the Swiss have officially ended their mission
And refused the demand for the man's extradition.
The prosecution, it seems, has suffered a blow,
Since Mr. Polanski is now free to go.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

End Of Chinese Cheap?

SHANGHAI - Factory workers in China have taken to picket lines, demanding higher wages. It's expected to affect foreign companies that depend low costs of "made in China" goods.



Orient-ation

Employees in China
Don't think it's so funny
Receiving low wages;
So they want some more money.

They've made their wants vocal
By going on strike.
They want wage increases,
Or they'll all take a hike.

From Beijing to Shenyang,
Nanjing to Shanghai,
The workers are raising
A similar cry.

And what they're demanding
Might just end up forcing
Their Chinese employers
To consider outsourcing.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Spy Swap Expected

U. S. and Russian officials appear ready to sway spies. The trade involves 11 prisoners in Moscow, accused of spying for the West, and 10 suspected Russian spies, held in New York.



Trading Places

The drama seems to heighten
But tensions may soon drop
As Russians and Americans
Prepare to make a swap.

Eleven folks are waiting,
Beneath the Russian skies
To hear if they'll be traded for,
Ten rather inept spies.

Armored trucks are waiting
To see what might transpire;
And what will be the fate
Of all those spies-for-hire.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Obama Takes Arizona To Court

The White House is going to court over Arizona's new immigration law. President Obama says such laws are the job of the federal government.



Courting Arizona

The White House says it's decided to sue
To stop what Arizona's trying to do.
"Immigration's our job," the Feds all avow,
"And we'll take control when we figure out how."

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Severe Heat Covers East Coast

Temperatures in the Mid-Atlantic states surpassed 100 degrees as people returned from a long holiday weekend. The wave of heat is challenging air conditioning systems in many parts of the country.



Sweating It Out

Temperatures topping one hundred degrees!
Enough to bring most of us down to our knees.
The heat of the sun can cause a real threat
To folks out of doors all dripping with sweat.
Working outside in the midst of the heat
Is making it tough for folks to stay neat.
By the time you're inside and out of the sun,
Chances are you whole torso is rather well-done.
It's time to remember all that you've learned
About coping with sun rays and not getting burned.
One last resort to help you stay drier
Is simply remove every stitch of attire.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Belt-tightening at Buckingham Palace

London – Queen Elizabeth II is feeling the pinch of recession. Public support for the monarchy has dropped to just over 38 million pounds, or less than $1 per British subject.



Royal Pain

The British economy is the worst they’ve seen;
And the scrimping and saving’s affecting the queen.
Support from her subjects is running amok,
With each person paying just under a buck.

Folks in the palace tend to royal affairs
But there’s been some delay in making repairs.
It’s fortunate, though, the Queen is no snob,
‘Cause she might have to go out and look for a job.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Researchers To Study Ozzy's DNA

DNA researchers will try to determine how Ozzy Osbourne has survived many decades of alcohol and drug abuse. Osbourne is said to have asked a human genomics firm to map is DNA.



High Priority

People who look into DNA
Hope they just might soon be able to say
What is it that helps Ozzie Ozbourne survive.
After all those drugs, what keeps him alive?
Will they share their findings with me and you
So we can join in and have some too?

© 2010  Jim Gordon

Suspected Russian Spy Disappears

Police in Cyprus are searching for Christopher Robert Metsos. The man accused of being a spy for Russia has vanished after being released on bail.



Vanishing Act

The alleged Russian spy was sprung from jail
And told to stick around when released on bail;
He went someplace - nobody knows where;
You might say he vanished right into thin air.
The Justice Department has nothing to say,
And has no idea why he didn't stay.
He dropped out of sight with no one's permission,
Wasn't looking forward to extradition.
As the search goes on without a magic wand
The Feds could use help from, well, maybe James Bond.

© 2010 Jim Gordon