Roger Clemens To Stand Trial

Roger Clemens says he's not guilty and will defend himself against charges of perjury and obstructing congress. He says he told the truth when he denied taking steroids. His trial is set for April.



Taking A Stand

Roger says he told the truth;
Never was he so uncouth
That he'd behave like a common thug
And take a deed-enhancing drug.

He plans to take it all in stride
When he goes to court where he'll collide
With prosecutors set to assail
And send the defendant off to jail.

Roger calls the charges "lame"
And doesn't plan to take the blame.
He says he'll fight until he's free
And passed on a chance to cop a plea.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Kangaroo testicles a big hit – again

Chefs in Ozrem, Serbia, were on hand for the seventh annual World Testicle Cooking Championship. They prepared dishes made from bull, boar, camel, ostrich and kangaroo testicles. The specialty is believed to be rich in testosterone.



Ya Want Fries With That?

In a Serbian mountain village
It was time to once again vie
For the annual testicle champion
With lots of folks standing by.

From the bull, the boar or the camel,
The ostrich and kangaroo,
The chefs were busily cooking;
With contestants all ready to chew.

‘Twas the seventh annual contest
And no one planned to decline
Since they all had their favorite beer
Not to mention bottles of wine.

Served as goulash or pizza,
With variety served at each stall,
Folks got to choose all their favorites
With everyone having a ball.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Rally Compared With Martin Luther King

The Restoring Honor rally planned for Saturday in Washington is attracting reaction from civil rights groups. Glen Beck will speak to folks identified with the Tea Party at the Lincoln Memorial. That the day and place where Martin Luther King gave his famous “Dream” speech 47 years ago.



Rally Round

Glen says it’s all about honor;
The rally’s not meant to berate;
It’s not about folks being racists,
And nobody there will preach hate.

Among civil rights folks are some skeptics
Who question the Tea Party’s venue;
And wonder just what kind of speeches
Will be on the Tea Party’s menu.

They think of the “I Have a Dream” speech
And question what Glen Beck might bring.
Glen hopes that folks won't compare, though;
‘Cause, he says, he’s no Martin L. King.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Bullet removed from man’s head – 5 years later

Doctors say Robert Chojecki should be ok now. They’ve removed a bullet his head after he complained of headaches. Chojecki told reporters he thought he’d been hit by fireworks at a New Years Eve party when he was accidentally shot.


Shooting Ahead

When Robert’s head began to ache,
He called on his physician.
He hoped that he would soon find out
The cause of his condition.

Then the doctor quickly found the cause;
The reason for Bob’s pain:
A bullet from a twenty-two,
Not far from Bobby’s brain.

It all began five years ago,
At a party less than dull,
Someone rang the New Year in
With a slug in Robert’s skull.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Bedbugs attack U.S. Cities

New York, Philadelphia, and Detroit have been named as the leading sites for bedbugs. According to a report from Terminix, the three lead the list of the 15 most bedbug-infested cities.



Night Bites

Fifteen U. S. cities
Have made a special list
That, no doubt, they're all wishing
Did not, in fact, exist.

Atop the gruesome listing
Are Detroit, New York, and Philly.
They likely don't feel honored;
In fact, they may feel silly.

And exterminator comp'ny,
After all cities had been tested,
Announced that these fair venues
Are the most bedbug-infested.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

FDA: More eggs may be contaminated

The Food and Drug Administration warns there may be more eggs recalled because of possible salmonella. Commissioner Margaret Hamburg says it may be the largest such recall in recent history. Officials say the recalls came from two Iowa egg farms.



Egg Hunt

The FDA is on the prowl
To see what makes those eggs so foul.
It's out there working like the dickens
To see what's up with all those chickens.
Those in charge are quite appalled
To see so many eggs recalled.
Officials say it's undisputed:
Five Hundred Million eggs polluted.
Meantime, I sit and contemplate:
Were my morning eggs from the Hawkeye State?


©  2010  Jim Gordon

O’Reilly Finds Photos Offensive

It appears that Bill O’Reilly was a bit disgusted at the photos of Justin Bieber and Kim Kardasian. The photos, in the September issue of Elle Magazine, were inspired by “The Graduate,” starring Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman.



Factored Out

O’Reilly seems a bit uptight
Over Justin and Ms. Kim;
He seems to feel it isn’t right;
It seems it’s rattled him.

We see that Bill is not a fan
Of Kim or even Justin;
In fact, it’s rather clear our man
Finds the whole thing quite disgustin’.

‘Twould appear it’s made Bill quite confused;
That it’s filled his day with strife;
Our man is surely not amused
And needs to get a life.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

More Americans believe President a Muslim

Nearly one in five Americans, or 18 percent, believe President Obama is a Muslim. The percentage of citizens who believe he’s a Christian has fallen to 34 percent. The survey, by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center, shows 43 percent say they don’t know the president’s religion.


Presidential Persuasion

His daddy hailed from Kenya,
His mom was Kansas born;
But on where Obama came from,
Americans seem torn.

Now, there’s more confusion
To which deity he prays;
There’s simply no conclusion;
Everyone seems in a daze.

Is he Christian or Islamic?
Does he believe in heaven?
And though it’s getting rather comic,
Where was he on nine-eleven.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Dr. Laura calls it quits

Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger will quite her radio show at the end of the year. Her decision comes after she used the N-word several times while speaking to a black call-in listener. The doctor says she’s decided not to do radio anymore and wants to regain her First Amendment rights.


Signing Off

Doctor Laura’s had enough
Her radio show’s been getting rough.
Listeners recently threw a fit,
Or otherwise got in a snit,
When Laura took a call and then
Uttered a word that starts with “N.”
Just trying to make a point, says she;
But others seem to disagree.
She admits she came on rather strong
And adds that what she did was wrong.
So come the end of the current year,
Doctor L will disappear.
She wants her fans to be aware
She’ll keep on working off the air.
Laura wants no further fights;
Just her First Amendment rights.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Lesbian student sues over yearbook photo

The Mississippi Copiah County School District refused to print her picture or her name after she insisted on being photographed in a tuxedo. "I guess in the back of my mind I knew that was going to happen, Sturgis said,but I did have a little hope. I cried. I put my head down and put my hand over my face."


Photo Phinish

Ms. Sturgis was determined
To dress just like a man
In the picture for her year book
And decided that she can.

But though she was insistent
And felt the fight fair game,
Her school left out her photo
And refused to print her name.

The ACLU insists, now,
She be treated like a guy;
But the schools hard-nose decision
Was enough to make her cry.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Ex-Flight Attendant Offered Reality TV

Former flight attendant Steven Slater has been offered a reality television program. It would feature people quitting their jobs in various ways. However, questions have been raised suggesting Slater’s story may be a hoax.



Get Real

Since Steve rebuked a passenger,
Nay, told him where to go,
Some TV moguls seem impressed;
They’ve offered him a show.

A hero is how some see Steve,
Some folks are even awed;
But the entire deal may go away
If he’s found to be a fraud.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Obamas enjoy the beach

President Obama treated his family to a weekend on the Gulf of Mexico.
He, the first lady, and daughter Sasha basked in the sun and even caught sight of porpoises while boating near Panama City Beach, Florida. The president took time to let residents know the federal government is still working on the problem caused by BP’s exploding oil rig.


Weekend By The Sea

The Obamas all went boating
And found the Gulf stream clean.
They spent some time a-floating
And enjoyed the Gulf coast scene.

Mom and Dad and daughter
Basked on the sandy beach,
And later swam in  water
The oil leak failed to reach.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Iraq Commander: U.S Troops Must Stay Another Decade

Iraqi General Babaker Shawkat Zebari says problems will start for his country if the U.S. pulls its troops out at the end of next year, as planned. Zebari says his army won’t be ready to take over until 2020.


Yankee (don’t) Go Home

Says Iraq’s Commander Zebari,
Although it might sound quite bizarre, he
Needs U.S, GIs to hang tough there
While things are so terribly rough there.

He insists that things are so tense,
For the U.S. to leave makes no sense.
Another ten years would ensure
That his country would be more secure.

More civilians are dying each day,
So Zebari would like us to stay.
He wants us to simply take root
Till his soldiers are taught how to shoot.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Blagojevich jury at an impasse?

Jurors in Rod Blagojevich's corruption trial indicate they may be at an impasse. The panel sent a note to Judge James Zagel, asking for guidance on some counts.



Awaiting Judgment


Rod's jurors have sent out a note
Suggesting they're stalled in their vote.
Eleven days since they begun,
Having trouble deciding as one.
The missive has caused some confusion,
As both sides await a conclusion.
Meantime, all involved are among
Those who feel the jury is hung.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Abdominal Fat Can Be Fatal

Research on the dangers of abdominal far lead experts to say adults with the biggest waistlines face twice the risk of dying than those with slimmer stomachs. Obesity expert Dr. Samuel Klein says belly fat can be overcome by consuming fewer calories and burning off those we consume by such exercise as walking.



Waist-ing Away

The fat that causes the bulge in one's belly
Can do more than give one simply shortness of breath.
Besides moving around like a bowlful of jelly,
For older adults it can mean certain death.

But all is not lost, so be of good cheer;
There's a way to get rid of that protruding gut;
Cut down on those calories in your food and your beer
And make it a point to get up off your butt.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Pennsylvania motorist wields dirty diaper

CONNELSVILLE, Pa. – State police have charged Jessica Hollis with harassment for allegedly wiping a dirty diaper on the rear window of another motorist. According to police, Hollis and Melanie Campbell, of Hopwood, began arguing during a traffic jam.



Smear Campaign

When two drivers got caught up and traffic,
They’re disagreement became rather graphic.
One’s use of a nappy
Made the other unhappy
And was not what you’d call photographic.

One might call it a nasty retort
Of a rather embarrassing sort.
Wielding that diaper
Like a road-raging sniper,
Landed the lady in court.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Rich Corporate Leaders Enter Political Ring

One-time business leaders are using the millions of dollars they’ve earned to win political office. They’re leaving their careers in business to challenge those who’ve made a career in politics.


Cashing In

They made their mark as rich civilians;
Now they spend their many millions
To take a break from Happy Hour
To use their wealth to purchase power.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Tiger Balks At Bridgestone

Tiger Woods logged his worst score in relation to par in round three of the Bridgestone Invitational in Akron, Ohio. At 11 over par, Woods acknowledges his number one status could be lost – to Phil Mickelson.



     Stalking The Tiger

Some folks see it as bizarre -
Woods - eleven over par.
But worst of all, when said and done
Is Tiger’s loss of Number One.

It’s the worst the man has ever played
And unless he, soon, can make the grade,
He stands to lose another race,
As Mickelson fights to take first place.

Lefty’s coming on quite strong.
It appears that he can do no wrong,
Phil continues to keep striving
With steady putting and expert driving.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

First Lady Faces Criticism Over Vacation

Michelle Obama’s vacation in Spain with daughter Sasha and friends is causing some raised eyebrows. Critics are questioning the cost to the taxpayer and the perception created in tough economic times.



    The Reign In Spain

Does Michele feel our pain
While relaxing in Spain,
On the chic Costa del Sol?

Are she and her party
All partying hearty,
With some voters still on the dole?

Room rates out of sight,
About two grand a night,
Might make some officials quite queasy.

But as far as we know,
They got enough dough
For the first lady to take it quite easy.

With some of her friends,
The First Lady spends
The days in surroundings quite posh.

Is she spending her time
In the profane or sublime?
Or is it what some call panache?

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Actor Reveals How He lost 100 Pounds

John Goodman says he started on he weight-loss program when he stopped
drinking. He then eliminated sugar from his diet and began exercising.


Going A-Weigh

John found if one knocks off booze
He’ll sober up and also lose
Pounds and pounds of ugly fat.

And then, when one gets off his butt
And kicks the sedentary rut,
He sees less flab is where it’s at.

John finds his clothes a better fit
And feels much better since he quit
Feeding his face with utter glee.

He gets around much better now
Since he’s been eating much less chow,
And is half the man he used to be.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Judge Overturns Gay Ban

A California ban on same-sex marriages has been declared unconstitutional. Federal judge Vaughn Walker has ruled the ban violates due process and equal protection rights. The issue is expected to go to the U.S. Supreme Court.



Gender Defender

The U. S. Constitution's
Being sited once more
As the proof in the pudding
That opened the door
For folks to get married
Even if the same sex.
Though it's true that the issue,
To some, is complex.

They're checking the founders
From colonial days,
To find any weddings
That included two gays.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Favre Wants To Play Football

The Minnesota Vikings say Brett Favre plans to suit up and play if his ankle is back in shape. Earlier reports had said Favre was retiring because of the punishment the game is giving his 40-year old body.



Kicking Back

Brett Favre says "no."
Or maybe it's "yes."
Will he play football?
Well, it's hard to asssess.

He said he was through,
'Cause he is up in years;
It's sure that he'd miss
Playing ball with his peers.

He's watching his ankle
As it heals by degree.
Will Brett take the field?
Well, let's wait and see.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Charlie Sheen Pleads Guilty

ASPEN, Colo. - Charlie Sheen will spend 30 days in rehab following his guilty plea to assault. The charge stems from an argument between the actor and his wife on Christmas day. Prosecutors dropped more serious charges. The actor will also attend anger management sessions.



Making Amends

Charlie has entered a guilty plea
And hopes the truth will set him free.

The actor said he was at fault,
As he pleaded guilty to assault.

He plans to now amend his life;
Has no more plans to hit his wife.

Next, comes rehab for thirty days;
Thanks to which he'll mend his ways.

He'll go to class, as the courts insist,
To help him stay calm when he gets pissed.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Lindsay Lohan - From Jail To Rehab

Actress Lindsay Lohan has begun what's described as intense treatment for substance abuse. It's part of her sentence for probation violation in a DUI case. Lohan and others avoided fans and reporters who had been waiting to catch of glimpse of the actress upon her release.



Sobering Thoughts

Lindsay's been sprung
After two weeks in jail;
Some fans were on hand, though,
To no real avail.

Near one A. M.
They snuck her past fans
To go into rehab
Which is next in her plans.

She'll undergo treatment
Those fans will now wait
Until the young actress
Is sober and straight.

 
© 2010  Jim Gordon

Teenager To Set Sail

14-year-old Laura Dekker has won the approval of a Dutch court to head out to sea. The teenager wants to become the youngest person to sail alone around the world. Laura will have to complete the journey before she turns 17 in September 2012 to break the record. Authorities had voiced disapproval of the teenager being alone and absent from school for so long a time. On her blog, the teenager posted a photo of schoolbooks she taking along with her.



      Wave-ing Goodbye

Young Laura is only fourteen,
With a desire that’s quite strong and keen
To be the youngest person alive
To start round the world and survive.

There are those who feel it’s not cool;
That the girls will miss too much school.
But Laura says she’s no jerk;
And while sailing, will do her home work.

 
©  2010 Jim Gordon